From Russia, with Love

“The policy of Russia is changeless. Its methods, its tactics, its maneuvers may change, but the polar star of its policy, world domination, is a fixed star.”  Karl Marx

Vladimir Putin has decided that he would like to ‘reset’ once again his relationship with The USA, so he has written a letter to his old friend George Bush.

Dear George,

How are things on the ranch? Have you had enough time to go hunting? There were rumors in some leftist newspapers here that you had begun painting. Why won’t they just let you enjoy your retirement? Everyone here at the Kremlin knows that you are too macho for anything except hunting, mountain biking, etc. I hear you have finished your library. If I’m ever in Texas perhaps we could visit it.

One of my friends at Gazprom, who uses the internet regularly (I have no time for such toys), told me that many media sources had shed negative light upon Russia. I thought I would explain our positions to you, and you could use your immense influence to put a positive spin on it.

A few months ago, our court system found a few young women guilty of hooliganism because they’d played protest songs in a very austere church. We are a Christian nation (similar to, but different from, the USA) and cannot have such blatant flaunts upon such sacred grounds. Russia’s whole history has been intertwined with the Orthodox Church, we must not allow ourselves to go the way of the decadent Germans, or even worse, the Scandinavians. The protests were not the problem, it was the venue-please explain this to your American friends.

In fact, we have made protesting easier. The issuance of permits has been streamlined. No protesters who have had any contact with outside forces, whether through such evil sites as Facebook or Twitter, will be allowed to demonstrate. You would agree that such ‘social media sites’ are a hinderance to the truth. This has been on display throughout the Arab World for the last few years. There is no way that such a family-run business like Syria, which has enjoyed years of peace except when attacked by the Jews, should be thrown out on such whimsical blather. Perhaps we have been a bit behind the curve and should increase our presence on the internet beyond a couple of ‘spam (what does spam mean?)’ servers in the Urals, which are effectively beyond Moscow’s control.

Speaking of control, and you comrade, erm, I mean friend, would know about this, we have had to exert more control over the press as many moles from the previously mentioned ‘social media’ sites have infiltrated the mainstream press. We must root them out, nip them in the bud so to speak.

Many have accused Russia of using our orphans as political pawns, the fact of the matter is that we can ill-afford to lose even the lowest of our citizenry. Our numbers are dwindling, many educated have chosen to move to the EU or America. We may need those orphans later to regenerate our population.  We expect our population to grow exponentially, so that is why we have decided to plant flags on the Arctic Ocean floor, as the polar ice has melted (this is a natural occurrence and not due to the burning of fossil fuels we’ve sold to the world at ‘below market prices’-unless, of course, they begin to think too independently-then they must pay full-price plus a small penalty) . We will need more living space at some point in the not so distant future, so northward expansion seemed reasonable. Any other direction may have been contested, and you know how much we dislike conflict.

Oh well, I think I should now go. Your new Secretary of State, John Kerry has been waiting for almost three hours, and I am scheduled to meet him. At least you aren’t represented by a woman anymore (I know you had to do it for political reasons, Condoleeza Rice was both a woman and black) Those crazy Ukrainians had no such excuse with Yulia Tymoshenko-but she’s getting hers.

Maybe we can go hunting for tigers or elephants sometime, I would quite like that. There are so few things that us real men can do (ask Berlusconi) that is beyond the public eye. Since neither of us drink, I’ll raise my tea cup to you.

Keep walking with the Lord.

Yours sincerely

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

3 time (soon to be be 4) president of Russia  

 

For an even better summary, check out this http://refusetobesilent.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/vladimir-putin-ten-years-in-power/

Workers, Unite!

Today-a bank holiday, I ate a lot of sausages and drank a lot of beer. It was May 1st, time to celebrate here in Bavaria. So we did. Maypoles, dancing, grilling, drinking, et al… Summer is around the corner!!!

I had to remind those around me: Don’t forget the workers!

May Day. The day we celebrate the worker-except in America-we wait until September. May Day was/is especially popular in communist countries.

All week I’ve been asking my students what the most important thing about a job is. For an American it’s easy-the money that you make! For the Europeans it’s not so clear cut. Answers have been of a wide variety including many that we all know.

Challenging/fulfilling/interesting tasks, great colleagues, job development, positive products from their efforts (no nuclear weapons), short commutes, great coffee, etc-the list could continue endlessly…

How convenient!? As another building collapsed (burned, used slave labor, etc) in Bangladesh, I couldn’t help think about the worker. Yes, those who actually work simply for the money they make. That’s what a job is for most in the world-work  for money.

Beyond my cheap tablet computer, sewage system, food, I want cheap clothes (those poor people in Bangladesh died for me and I will continue to buy cheap clothes because buying cheap food is not an option). C&A, H&M, (and many more) Old Navy are having a sale this weekend-I’m there.

Next time, I’ll drink to the real workers. And cheap clothes…

 

 

Munich’s Secret (Beer)Gardens

Spring has sprung, the weather’s improving. It’s time to have a cold one.

You have been to the the Chinese Tower, Hirschgarten, Seehaus, as well as other top Munich beer gardens and you are looking for another place to get the essence of Munich. Whether you live here or are just visiting, and you want something ‘off the beaten path’, then maybe these beer gardens are worth a try. Here’s a list of three that have all the things you need and want: tradition, tranquility and atmosphere, without all of the other things (too many tourists and high prices) that the more popular beer gardens in Munich have.

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The first is called Wirtshaus am Bavariapark. Located on the northeast edge of Bavaria Park, this beer garden has delicious Augustiner beer and enough space (approx. 850 places) to almost always guarantee a place for up to 6 or 8 people at one table. It is a short walk from the U-Bahn station Schwanthalerhöhe, or can be reached with Bus 134. There are no streets within 150 metres so it is very quiet. Grilled mackerel on a stick and the usual Bavarian fare are on offer. A two-piece brass ensemble often play here and normally there are few tourists, so this beer garden is more traditional and cheaper than some of the other bigger, better known ones that are in the city.

The second one is Münchner Haupt. It is located on Zielstattstraße 6, which is a short walk south of the Mittersendlinger S-Bahn station on the number 7 line. It is located near an old estate which houses a shooting club and is over 600 years old. It also has traditional Bavarian food, and for a change offers Kaltenberg beer which is atypical for Munich. It has seating for 2,500 persons and is rarely filled to capacity.

Finally, Zum Grünen Baum, Verdistr. 6, is just a few paces west of the S-Bahn station in Obermenzing, and is a perfect place to stop after a day in Dachau, as it is also on the S2 (S-Bahn). Augustiner is served here too, at a bit more than 3€ per half-liter, so the price is definitely right. Palace Blutenburg is a kilometer due west, and Palace Nymphenburg is the same distance southeast. It also has traditional Bavarian victuals, and when the bell rings it means a fresh wooden keg is being tapped, so be sure to get some of the freshest, best-tasting beer around!

Asparagus Season Celebrates Germanness

In about 10 days or so begins one of the truly great times in Germany. And after this past winter, which saw record cold and darkness, it can’t get here soon enough.

Ah yes, ‘Spargelzeit’ (asparagus season). Nothing seems to captivate the Germans, the Bavarians even more so, than those 8 weeks that end on June 24th. And the fascination runs across all generations, genders and socioeconomic strata. The health benefits of asparagus are many and well-documented, but the love of it goes well beyond that. But why?

The history of the vegetable goes back around 4,000 years and it is grown throughout the world. Most people eat the green variety but the white type grows larger and is tenderer (but is much more expensive because the cultivating and harvesting methods are very tedious and complex), and is coveted by Germans. Whether you eat white or green asparagus the most important factor is it must be fresh. Any person with a little bit of experience with asparagus can taste fresh from not so fresh because the flavor turns from a sweet yet distinct mild flavor to a bitter one. And this brings us to our first point of why the Germans like it so much.

The Germans, very rightfully so, are proud of their skills of organizing and transporting. Getting asparagus to the market while it still has retained the desired freshness requires the skill set that most Germans seem to have. From harvesting to consumption, the whole process should be completed in about 12-24 hours when things are working properly. An old farmer’s rule says asparagus is best when “Morgens gestochen und mittags verzehrt” (picked in the morning and eaten at lunch). This is also why many Germans choose to take their cars to the source of the asparagus. Here in Bavaria, the most famous place for asparagus is Schrobenhausen, though nearly anyplace in Germany has excellent asparagus, and the countryside is dotted with stands that sell the very freshest and tastiest product. So whenever a box of fresh asparagus is opened it is like a reaffirmation of what it is to be German and their ideas of time and order.

The second reason, and I believe the more important reason, is that Spargelzeit signals the end of winter in a way altogether different from Carnival or even Starkbierfest (Strong Beer Festival). While those celebrate the end of winter with lots of alcohol and craziness, asparagus is the first fresh vegetable or fruit grown in Germany that can be eaten by Germans, and can be enjoyed by everyone to some degree or another. It heralds the coming of spring, with its infinite promise of great weather (before June’s reality of rain dampens the excitement), a return to the outdoors, the eating of fresh fruits and vegetables after a winter of heavy roasted meats, sauerkraut and dumplings. Quite often in May the weather in Bavaria is what can only be described as epic. The Bavarian sky takes on its special blue hue. Farmhouse balconies are tidied up and flowers are planted, as the gardens are readied for a season of grilling and beer drinking. Bicycles are serviced and people begin to try to lose their ‘Winterspeck” (winter’s bacon), the few extra kilos that were accumulated during the winter. The first few shoots of asparagus seem to set the buzz of activity in motion.

If you don’t know how to prepare asparagus have no fear, nearly any decent restaurant has a “Spargel Menu”, that is right, a menu devoted entirely to the asparagus. From soups to starters, main courses to desserts (yes, it is even in some desserts!), one does not have to look far for some excellent dishes that celebrate the asparagus. And remember, the smell in the WC (toilet) a few hours after eating asparagus can mean only one thing: Spring is on the way! And your kidneys will thank you too!

Germany Still Has A Wall That Divides

Traversing Germany by train, whether it’s longitudinal or latitudinal, it reveals aspects of Germanness which are inescapable. Things revealed include orderliness, tidiness, and structure. If one disembarks said train and investigates further, other pillars of Germanness appear like punctuality, productivity, and calculation. If German is spoken in the household as a first language, one can be fairly certain that the aforementioned characteristics lurk just below the surface (if not front and center). But there are great divides and differences between Germans, especially with their southern neighbors, the Bavarians.

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It all started innocuously enough. Certain friends who can see little beyond their world in the US feel a compulsion to post things on my Facebook page whenever Germany has been shown in a negative light. With the Euro crisis (Germany’s handling of it has been controversial), and the soon to commence neo-Nazi trial (yes, racism exists everywhere), there’s been no dearth of chances to hammer away.

“Why do you live in Europe? And of all places, why do you live in Germany?” they asked.

Before I knew it, I’d responded. “I live neither in Europe nor Germany. I live in Bavaria.”

I knew at that moment that there was no turning back. I had been transformed. Bavarians are not really Germans, but more like the Austrians or the Schwaben. Or the Austrians and Schwaben are like the Bavarians, and neither are Germans. Yes, they speak dialects of the same language, the similarities are fewer after that. Try telling an Irishmen he’s a Brit, or a Texan he’s an American.

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For nearly 500 years, Germany served as a (the) battlefield of Europe. Sandwiched between the larger powers (empires), Germany became a sort of jetty that dispersed the waves of desire of its neighbors by providing a complicated group of territories whose rulers were often at war or in allegiance with each other. All of this changed, which was bound to change the face of Europe dramatically, with the rise to power of Otto von Bismarck.

When Germany united, through Bismarck’s masterful abilities, some great timing and luck, it immediately proved too strong for Denmark, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, France, and eventually Russia. Only Great Britain could compete and contain the new industrial and military behemoth. Germany’s ability to produce, organize and analyze was beyond comparison with other major countries then, and is still so today. This has caused a plethora of problems for Germany-and her neighbors. It caused them then as it causes them now. Germany is, and has always been, the question of Europe. It is still so today.

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After a few embellishments, or half-truths (lies), Bismarck was able to unite the peoples who shared a common language-German-under a banner that would one day at different points terrorize, amaze and astound the rest of the globe.

Germany will continue to do so, though one hopes that their darkest days of the Third Reich are behind them. Many in Europe are not so sure, though it’s hard to determine if it’s politics being played or authentic fear.. The quicker the rest of Europe (and the world) can resign themselves to (or rejoice) the fact that a reunified Germany is a world player, the better off our planet will be.

But how unified is Germany? Are there still many obstacles to overcome before they can truly take their place upon the Pantheon of Nations as their robust economy demands?

From east to west in Germany, the differences are stark and clear. It is in many ways a no-brainer. A communistic east versus a reconstructed, democratic west Germany. Production for the sake of busyness in the East juxtapositioned against production for business in the West (with competition). Certainly those Germans residing near the border with Poland can’t be very similar to those Germans abutted against France. And they are not. But they are both more German than the Bavarians, those strange, independent and wonderfully quirky Bavarians, who queerly and surely seem to share few of the qualities of their more northern kindred.

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After some cajoling, begging and in the end bribing, I was able to convince a friend of mine to visit me here in Munich. But be warned, I told him, Munich is not really a German city, it is another beast altogether…But for most Americans, and perhaps others, it is the MOST German of cities.

If any of my German friends visited an American city (which means no cities in California, Florida or New York City are eligible), and went to a bar (I’m thinking Chicago, St. Louis or Denver) and was asked where are you from-the answer should be, Germany. What then comes to mind? Lederhosen, sausages, beer, Audi, BMW, Schweinebraten and Knödel (roast pork and dumplings), Munich, Neuschwanstein (Cinderella’s Castle), Mozart, Einstein, Romantic Road, etc…Most of these first thoughts are either mostly Bavarian or completely Bavarian! But not German!

Munich closes at about 10pm every night. Goths are really strange. The airport, train station, canal or any other project are on time and on budget! Many people still listen to Oom Pah-pah music here. Pretzels are everywhere. Wagner’s music confounds, excites and is controversial. It’s played regularly. Festivals of planting, harvesting and moon phases abound. A few extra kilos on the frame is still considered attractive-and normal. Beer comes in big glasses. Bavarians drive south for fun-many have never been to Berlin or any other more northern German city.

Yet, despite this lack of patronage, real Germany lays many miles to the north.

If anyone wants to see a real German city, send them to Hamburg. Or Cologne. Berlin is in the midst of major transitions, it needs a few years. Maybe Dortmund, or Düsseldorf, or Hannover, they are German.

Germans have an edge, a strong affinity for industry, gray, rain and melancholy. Germans like hard rock, a bit of graffiti, wayward souls sleeping in the streets. Germans are accustomed to a bit of broken glass. Bavarians want (and have) little of that. Only the Swiss can call the Bavarians untidy. Germans eat more than pork and the trimmings-Bavarians can survive on only pigs and potatoes. Germans drink beer, Bavarians drink the champagne of beers-lager, less bitter. Germans drink at night, Bavarians might have a beer for breakfast. Bavarians go to bed before midnight, Germans are in the shower preparing for the night’s festivities…

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For many years Germans were united in their basic political desires. Win the Cold War, the World Cup and Formula One. Now that they have obtained most of them, they are beginning to divide on ideas about the EU, integration, etc. If one is to get Germany’s support, it must be able to win the support of Germans (and Bavarians) from north to south. This is a more difficult task than winning that support from east to west. The Berlin Wall may be no more, but there still exists one from north to south

But regardless of the geographical location of native German speakers in Germany, one thing is certain. They all make jokes about the Austrians…

Munich’s Westend is its Best End

Tucked behind the landmark Augustiner’s Brewery on Landsberger Street, the Westend Quarter of Munich is growing in both its diversity and vibrancy. Long known as a place where mostly Turks, Greeks and Balkan peoples lived, it has experienced a large influx of young Germans in the last couple years. Yet, it still has a multi-cultural charm displayed in its plentiful Kebap houses, numerous Greek taverns and clubs (public and private), a Greek bakery, great Italian Trattorias, a Croatian restaurant and a plethora of other international establishments. While shopping in a local supermarket, it is not uncommon to hear mothers chiding their children in everything from American English to Russian to Spanish (and a few African languages as well). In summer there are many themed street festivals complete with grilled food and live music. There are also several youth evenings at a local youth hall behind a branch of the city library where teenagers can dance and mingle till late at night under adult supervision. All of this multiculturalism and buzz has made it very attractive for young Germans who have recently moved here from the Ruhrgebiet or northern Germany for employment, as it more closely resembles German cities in those areas with its ethnic diversity. And for those Germans from small towns or villages it offers them a wonderful opportunity to experience one of the best aspects of European city life, the close proximity of many different cultures.

But that’s not to say that Bavaria isn’t well represented either. Both the Hacker-Pschorr Bräuhaus and the Augustiner Bräustüberl and Bierhalle have excellent Bavarian fare and some of the freshest beer in Munich. And for those all too infrequent hot summer days an excellent traditional beer garden in Bavaria Park, which serves Augustiner and has live ‘Blasmusik’, allows the locals to relax without the hordes of tourists that frequent many of the other beer gardens in Munich. And you can always hear real Bavarian spoken here too!

There has also been a large increase in the number of renovated or completely demolished buildings (to make room for new tenants) in Westend over the last year or so. Every city block here has a construction site. Many of the storefronts have a nice balance between old and new. No one particular style dominates (much like the ethnic groups). At least four new kindergartens, four clothing boutiques and five cafés have opened up in the last two years. Westend is a neighborhood on the rise, with a strong demand for family friendly businesses. There are also many hotels, bookshops, fruit and vegetable markets, supermarkets (including at least 3 organic markets) and a few Thai massage parlors. Westend even has its own free quarterly culture magazine appropriately titled, Westend, which can be picked up at most businesses in the district. It also boasts its own newspaper. And many more great things are being planned.

The best way to explore Westend, as most places in Munich, is by foot. Perhaps the best way is to take tram 18 or 19 to Holzapfel Street. If you’d like a half liter of cheap Augustiner (EUR2.65) you have to look no further. Walk up Holzapfel, taking notice of the best Kebap house in the area and an Afro-Brazilian store on your right. Turn right on Schwanthaler and explore the many boutiques, knick knack shops and art gallery. If you have a hankering for something sweet Café Marais is most outstanding, both for its dessert and décor. It’s on the corner of Schwanthaler and Park streets. Park Street and Ligsalz Street have a couple of used bookshops, including one with a large selection of titles in English. Keep heading south four blocks on Park Street to its end (two other great cafés are on Gollier Street if you look left) and then turn left on Kazmair Street and cross Heimeran Street. Here is a small collection of shops and a soup bistro. Behind these are Bavaria Park, Deutsches Museum Verkehrszentrum (a great place for kids) and the Augustiner Beergarden, where you can cool your heels with one of Munich’s finest malted beverages. It’s a 5 minute walk to the Underground (Schwanthalerhöhe), and then only two stops to Hbf.

Another great thing about Westend is the one-way streets. City planners, in a moment of lucid thinking, made many of the streets one-way. This efficiently discourages drivers from using them to get from Landsberger Str. to the Westpark and Harras area. The lack of traffic has also had a residual effect-not as much graffiti. No proper graffiti bomber wants his work or symbols unseen. In a multi-cultural neighborhood that is very rare indeed.

The nearly boundless varieties of ethnic food and drink, interesting things to see and many diversions for the whole family give you the makings for a wonderful day, and allow you the chance to enjoy one of the (not so) secret quarters of Munich.

New Termite Eating Rodent Discovered in Africa

A new species of rodent was discovered in 2001, in Africa, but has only been announced by the discoverers last week, for fear that they would become endangered very quickly due to their remarkable talents in finding and consuming termites. The small animal, with a maximum length of 8 cm, and a weight of 120 grams, was discovered by some scientists from The National Geographic along the Kenyan-Ugandan border. It seems as if the mostly nocturnal animals have an innate ability to smell and hear termites, and consume 10-12 a day.

Another fascinating aspect of the rodent, termitidae terminetur (Termite Terminator), is that they have long gestation periods and life-spans compared to other members of the rodent family. Some subjects in the wild, with adequate food supplies, lived to be over 7 years old. Rats and mice normally have a life span of about 1-3 years. Perhaps because of this longer lifespan, they normally have a litter of only 1-2 offspring, and only once a year.

The new rodent also showed a taste only for termites, researchers were unable to coax them into eating anything else including sugar, fruit, dairy products or cheese.

Researchers believe that the new animals could become a new type of pest control, used in infested buildings or forests, and then they could be lured out of the infested buildings after the termites were eradicated. Millions of dollars in property damage is caused by termites every year. China is looking into importing the new rodents to use in some western provinces where the Formosa Termite has been especially destructive.

In the Spirit of Easter

I am an atheist, raised in the Judeo-Christian tradition. However, I believe in the Bible. The Jefferson Bible. The story ends for me when they roll the rock over the cave’s mouth. I think I do good, I treat everyone fairly, and I recycle. I also haven’t eaten any (much) meat from four-legged animals for Lent. Didn’t drink beer either except for one or two special occasions.

My high school (Facebook) friends think I am a bleeding heart liberal. Probably because I live in Munich. And if Munich is known for anything, it is known for its liberalism. The Third Reich was but a blip. And it’s known for beer. Maybe you can appreciate now how difficult it’s been not to drink any (much) beer for a period of time similar to the flood of Gilgamesh, erh, Noah.

I tend to vote Democrat. This bugs the hell out of my old high school friends who become irate when they realize that their vote will be cancelled out in Orlando by some beer swilling bleeding heart liberal in Munich. And my wife votes Democrat too! That’s two hearts bleeding (beating) as one! Actually, about 95% of Americans overseas (non-military) vote Democrat. We get it. That’s why we never went back.

But the final straw on the back of my conservative, religiously zealous (normal-ask them) friends is when I encourage them to examine the life of Jesus of Nazareth. All the things we KNOW about the man might fill up a paragraph or two. Short paragraphs, mind you. But in those few morsels we do know, we can surmise with near certainty that Jesus was a socialist (my American friends are developing a rash as they read those last words), and I believe, he carried a Communist Party membership card.

If you plan on visiting a church this year, now’s the time to go. You’ll definitely get the most bang for your buck. The trick is to convince the others who also are only appearing for appearance’s sake that you go more regularly than them-you were there for Christmas.

So, Happy Easter! Split your bread into pieces of equal size, pass the tequila, and have a Hell of a (heck of a) Easter (Spring Festival).

Like the Weather

“The color of the sky as far as I can see is coal gray.”  –10,000 Maniacs

The snow has stopped. It snowed for the last 24 hours. (It’s snowing again.)  But it seems as if it had never paused since late November, except for the two weeks around Christmas, as per usual. Easter is only a week or so away here in Germany, will it be white?

You have seen the headlines. From Munich, South Dakota, and Moscow, Idaho, to the other more well-known, larger cities with the same name in Europe, this year’s spring has been a long time coming. I like that.

One of the reasons I enjoy living in Munich, Germany, is the experience of enjoying (tolerating, surviving) the four seasons. As a proud product of the Orange County Florida School System, I only remember seeing snow once or twice in some 33 years. Boring. If everyday from April Fool’s Day to Halloween is warm (hot, boiling) it becomes quite dull. Here, everyday’s good weather becomes a precious jewel, to be celebrated. It should never be taken for granted.

This year will go on record as one of the darkest winters in Germany’s history. Only 96 hours of sunlight on average over a 90 day period, with December 22nd as the fulcrum of that period. That’s an hour a day! If a work day like Monday had 6 hours of proper light, it might be another 13 days before the next sunlight, on average.

People are snippy. There have been multiple interruptions in the local train service which means that for some, it has been unbearable in the truest sense of the word. Just this last week, Germany had record low temperatures which rode in from Siberia. It has been an absolutely brutal winter.

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Many years ago, Pepsi had a lemon-lime soda to compete against Sprite and 7UP. Though they lost the competition they had some of the best commercials on TV for their product. They all generally went something like this:

A man can be seen walking out of the Sahara Desert. He looks as if he has spent the better part of two or three days walking. His clothes are tattered, his face is cracked. He falls at the feet of his would-be rescuers.

“Water, water,” they shout. An attendant brings a canteen and commences to open it.

“No!” cries our desert wanderer. “Bring me some dry saltine crackers,” he says deliriously.

The others look at him incredulously. He stuffs the crackers in his mouth, begins chewing. You can almost feel the edges of the crackers slicing into his parched mouth. He then opens the dried leather shoulder bag he is carrying. Inside are two bottles of Teem poking up through the ice.

The voice on the TV says: “Build that thirst until you can’t take it anymore. Teem. For a really big thirst.”

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This late snow, coupled with the near complete darkness of the last 3 or 4 months is building my thirst for spring this year, almost to the point that I can’t take it anymore. But oh what a spring it will be! It will be teeming with flowers that will compete for the sun. Children (and their parents, too) will also feel the energy. They will buzz around like bees, playing chase or soccer, riding their bikes and generally screaming as the mood strikes them. Beer gardens will hardly be able to contain the masses drinking their Masses*, the sounds of knives and forks clinking on plates of sausages, the murmur of conversation…

Yes, I like the weather. No, I adore the weather.

* ein Mass is a large one-liter mug used for drinking Bavarian lager

Rapes of Wrath

There have a been a lot of rapes in the forefront of the news recently, more than I can recall at any one time. The stories run the gamut-from gang rapes in India to sexual assaults in the US military to different tribes in Syria to young over-inebriated teenagers, there seems to be no dearth of possibilities or situations in which they have occurred. In spite of the obvious, the heinous nature of the crime itself, the total disregard for the victims, or the feeling of empowerment gained by the perpetrators to name but a few, is there perhaps some other intrinsic characteristics to the rapists which have been overlooked?

We have nearly always been told that traditional rape (man vs woman) is a crime of violence to gain control, to dominate, or to maybe ‘payback’ women for an overbearing mother or some other female that has frustrated the offender at some earlier point in his life. I am willing to go along with that, sure, but it leaves my sense of judgement with a deep feeling that that is only part of the story. So in order to examine that other aspect we should break down the latest ‘in the news’ rapes into smaller groups.

 Rapes in Syria and Other War-torn Countries

Since I’ve never been a soldier, and I am not an expert in the tribal intricacies of the Middle East, I feel I should not comment too much on this. But since most of the soldiers who are committing the rapes have come under enemy fire I will use this as a segway into this…

US Military Rapes

The Department of Defense believes that there are around 19,000 sexual assaults per year, of which only 1,108 warranted an investigation, and from that small percentage a paltry 96 ever went to court-martial. But of those 96 a few more were dismissed by a ‘convening authority’, even if the original court found the defendant guilty.

Nineteen thousand per year! Think about that for a second. That’s around 52 per day. With those kind of statistics if you are an American and you let your daughter join the military-you are a fool. And for those women brave enough to report those violations? Their careers are essentially over.

American GI’s rarely raped the enemy, let alone their own, in WWII, so what gives?

Gang Rapes in India

It may seem easy to look down our long nose at a country like India and say that they have a real problem. And they do. Tourists are being raped, Indian girls rarely venture out alone for fear of being raped, and a rape happens 3 times an hour on average in India. But if you compare it to the US-with a population one third the size of India’s-we have the larger problem-not them. It might be expected there, though no less forgivable, but in the US? And in the Armed Forces?

 Drunk Teenagers Don’t Know What They Do

Two upstanding young men (or so we were led to believe) in Steubenville, Ohio, were recently found guilty of sexually violating a drunk girl, and posting some of the resulting pictures and videos on the NET (which became the evidence that convicted them) of their ‘deeds’. Many others had sufficient time to intervene and did not. In fact, they may have contributed to the all-around general feeling that nothing wrong was being done. This small town in Ohio is in no way alone. It is unfortunately, the norm, and it happens everywhere all the time.

Why So Many Rapes, and What Is to Be Done?

I do not claim to be an expert, but can only give my opinion based on MY experience. In all of the situations I’ve outlined above, there is a minimal chance that the rapist will be caught (though for high-school students it may be becoming more likely to be caught-slowly-and mostly due to their own hubris). Is it about power? Maybe. Is it about revenge? Doubtful. Is it because guys like sticking their extra appendage in places that will give them a quick euphoric sensation? Now, we’re getting warmer. I think at the end of the day most guys want to experience as many orgasms as they can-in as many different orifices as possible. It might be really simple. It feels good.

I live in Germany where there is legalized (and illegal-greatly tolerated) prostitution. The girls contribute to the pension system, must carry health insurance get checked monthly. Skin magazines are placed in racks at the newsagent’s so that anybody walking by can see a naked breast, and with only a slight bit of effort-even more. And nobody thinks twice about it. Nearly every lake here has a nudist area. Not on the far side of the lake where nobody would venture to anyways, but on the prime real estate. This is almost completely the opposite to how it is treated in the USA. The statistics speak for themselves.

Nudity and sex should be looked at not so much in the Puritan sense, but as something as natural as farting, shitting or dreaming. This is the age of porn-and what we see in porn is unrealistic-for adults. Young people see it as normal. We must engage our youth and speak to them frankly. They have most of the info already, we just need to readjust it for them.

Sex feels good. Sex is easier to get here in Europe. Rapes are uncommon here in Germany and many other EU countries. A guy can get his rocks off, act out a few fantasies, and go home to his wife. I heard about 75% of the ‘Johns’ here are married. It seems as if the countries where sex is a big taboo, like America and the Middle East or India, rapes skyrocket.

In much the same way Americans have begun to reexamine the ‘War on Drugs’, perhaps the best way to combat rapes in America, or India, or the Middle East, is to give the men a chance to ‘vent’. It may not eliminate all the reasons that men rape women, but it might just reduce them a bit. Victims of this horrible crime need every possible advantage we can give them.